We’ve had some very heated debates recently, and we think it’s time for a break. We’ve never had a “Jokes” thread before, so in the spirit of “there’s a first time for everything” this one is provided for the purpose of enjoying some good clean fun.
We hope you find the above Stanford Nutting video entertaining, and we invite you to post more of the same and/or your favourite jokes. Obviously, the clue is in the title so no unsuitable material please.
Enjoy!
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Comments (50)
Here’s a joke: or is it? Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pope and the other a Rabbi.
Sorry, I should point out that my tongue is in my cheek.
Frankier,
No need to apologise – your joke is not only factually accurate but funny in an “interfaith” sort of way!
Here’s another of my favourite Stanford Nutting videos. Reminds me of college lectures as a student and later in-service courses! I wonder how many priests and seminarians will have similar memories as they smile their way through this clip?
An unemployed joiner sees a newspaper headline which reads: 10.000 JOBS IN JEOPARDY!
So he goes to the train station and asks for a ticket to jeopardy.
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
A reader emailed the following video, which we post here in the spirit of Catholic Truth satire:
As a Catholic in 2013 a sense of humour is not a bad thing. It’s either that or weep.
Augustine, I don’t get the joke…
Get it?(!)
The past, the present, and the future entered a room at the same moment. It was tense.
Wurdesmythe,
Seeing your long lost avatar reminded me of this joke:
One elderly couple is visiting another for supper. The two women go into the kitchen for a moment, leaving the men to talk.
One of the men says to the other, “The Mrs. and I went to the nicest restaurant last night.”
“Is that right?” the other inquires, “What was it called?”
“That’s just it,” he replies “I can’t recall. “Say, what’s the name of that red flower that has thorns all over it?”
“A rose?” he responds.
“YEAH, THAT’S IT!” he says energetically.
He then whirls around and yells into the kitchen, “Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night!?”
And so, you are wondering, why did that joke remind me of you? Well, because chatting to a reader on the phone a couple of weeks ago she asked me what had happened to “the American blogger”. I went through the various bloggers from the USA that came to mind, but she kept saying “no, not him, not her… the other one”. For the life of me I couldn’t think of another American blogger. My memory ain’t what it used to be!
Then I read (and enjoyed) your joke. Welcome back!
Two friends of mine, Paddy and Mick, took a boat out fishing on the lake and they had some very good sport. “We’d best come here again tomorrow” said Paddy. “Yes”, said Mick “I’ll draw a chalk cross on the prow of the boat so that we can get to the same spot tomorrow”. “Don’t be so daft” said Paddy “we might not get the same boat tomorrow”.
Kerrymen, no doubt.
My Irish mother has just laughed heartily at this one, leprechaun!
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
True story:
On a trip to France I met Juan Carlos. Not the King of Spain, it turns out, or even a hidalgo, but a Spaniard all the same.
“I am Juan Carlos,” he said enthusiastically, “from Madrid.”
Señor Carlos had discovered me in Lourdes during an evening’s candlelight procession. I was one of a few dozen Americans in the mix who had been taking turns carrying our ‘Ave Cor Mariae’ banner and waving little American flags.
“I see,” I said to the smiling chap, trying to remember if I’d come across him when I’d been in Madrid three years earlier. But it was dark, and the fellow’s English was poor, so I was having a tough time. “Did we meet in Madrid?”
“Yes, I am from Madrid,” he smiled back at me.
“No, I meant, did we meet a few years ago when I was in Madrid?”
“Yes, Madrid.”
I sighed.
He scribbled something on a piece of paper and then handed it to me. “This is my address and telephone number,” he explained.
Bemused, I replied “Thank you.”
Then he grabbed the flag out of my hand and said, “Now you write down your address and give it to me.”
I grabbed the flag back and asked, “Have we met before?”
No, it turned out. But he’d seen me carrying the American flag, and had headed my way so that he could make contact.
“I am a theology student,” he explained. “I want to meet Americans who can introduce me to Mel Gibson so that I can help him make movies.”
I broke the news to my quixotic acquaintance that Mel lived in California, while I hailed from Atlanta, which is actually closer to New York. “I’m afraid I don’t know Mel,” I said.
“Well, now you have a friend in Madrid!” Juan Carlos said with a smile as he waved and disappeared into the crowd.
Cervantes, eat your heart out.
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”
He said, “I heard the OR nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the surgeon!”
Some Lawyer Jokes…
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say “Fees!”
“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”
“Well, your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
After a meeting with the Pope, President Obama held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.
When asked what they discussed, Obama replied: “The Ten Commandments.”
Patient to his dentist,
Do you promise,
To pull the tooth?
The whole tooth?
And nothing but the tooth?
“Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every married guy is saying, ‘I could have been Pope.'” …
A friend of mine was exasperated because a persistent chap wouldn’t quit asking her out. She’d politely but clearly said no many times, and he kept on calling. Aggravated, she made a tongue-in-cheek quip asking if she should just tell the guy she had a boyfriend so that he would leave her alone.
Don’t do that, I replied. Say no, and stay firm. Telling a lie just complicates things, and can also lead to bigger problems later that aren’t worth the temporary relief. I added that she should seek a bit of extra moral support from her friends to weather the storm.
It was the right thing to say, and my friend knew it. She hadn’t been serious after all; she was just blowing off steam. Sensing an opportunity to bring a bit of levity to the grim campaign, however, I embellished.
Never lie, I continued. But if you did want to color the facts, show some originality. “I already have a boyfriend” is old and hackneyed; at least try to have some fun with it.
For example, start wearing an engagement ring. If anyone asks, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
Tell the guy you seem to suffer from amnesia. Add that you’re not sure, but you think you might already be married.
Tell him you’re thinking about being a mail-order bride, and ask if he’ll serve as a reference.
Say that you want to be the first woman to have a baby in space.
No problems were solved with that string of suggestions, but my friend got a few laughs out of it.
Mission accomplished.
Teacher: ‘Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.’
Craig: ‘I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.’
I think my sister might be suffering from gluttony, I just watched her clean the cooker with two slices of bread.
Courting controversy here, but nothing confuses a man more than a woman driver who does everything right 😉
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably… “My wife missed the bus”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
How do you confuse an Irish navvy?
Show him two shovels and tell him to take his pick.
A young French boy in Glasgow to learn English stands in a bakers shop looking at the cakes and trying to work out the correct names for the different cakes. He can’t remember the name of a particular cake so he says to the lady behind the counter, “excuse me madame, zees cake here, ees eet called a doughnut or a Meringue?”
The lady replies, “Naw son, yer no wrang, it is called a doughnut.”
A very popular Edinburgh man dies and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says “I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband” The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?”
The old woman replies “£5” to which the man says “You wont get many words for that but write something and we’ll see if it’s ok” so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads “Peter Reid, fae Niddrie, deid”
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again. The man then reads “Peter Reid, fae Niddrie deid. Ford Escort for sale”
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I’d ever live without you.” Her husband asks, “Is that you . . . or the wine talking?”
She replies, “That’s me . . . talking to the wine.”
Police jokes…
Police Officer: “How high are you?”
Pothead: “No officer, it’s “Hi, How are you?”
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He replied: “Call for backup.”
H – “Hello?”
W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
H – “Yes.” W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
H – “What’s the price?” W – “Only $1,500.00.”
H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
W – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price…and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
H-“What price did he quote you?”
W – “Only $60,000…”
H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”
H – “What?” W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property.”
H – “How much are they asking?”
W – “Only $450,000 – a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
W – “OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
H – “Bye…I love u too…”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing sings but Walt disnae.
Hospitality:
What’s the difference between a Glaswegian and someone from Edinburgh?
In Glasgow, a person will say to a visitor: “you’ll have your tea, of course.”
In Edinburgh, the host will say: “you’ll have had your tea of course.”
Q. What’s the only good thing to come out of Edinburgh?
A. The train for Glasgow!
(Undoubtedly the old ones are the best!)
A large woman went to the doctor complaining about pain in her ankles. “Yes” he said, “you are overweight, you are too fat and it is straining your ankle tissues”.
“How rude you are” she said “I want a second opinion”.
“Certainly, ma’am” he said. “You are ugly too”.
Sounds like my doctor…
A Celtic supporter in the wrong kind of pub (this joke is adaptable to any city or country) is approached by another customer.
“We always ask newcomers here to play a wee game,” says the second man. “Would you like to join in?”
“of course,” says the Celtic fan, “what do I have to do?”
“You throw this dice, and if you score 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5, my mates and I will take you outside and give you a kicking,” says the local.
“Oh! And what if I throw a six?” asks the nervous visitor.
“Ah,” says the man in blue. “Then you get another go!”
A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The judge said to him “So why don’t you want to live with your dad?”
“Because he beats me” said the little boy.
“Why don’t you want to live with your mum then?” asked the judge.
Because she beats me as well.
“Oh” said the judge “Well who would you like to live with then?”
The little boy replied” I would like to live with Celtic Football Club, because they don’t beat anyone!!”
Editor,
I’m hoping you have to edit that one later tonight! 🙂
Eileenanne,
So are my brothers!
Oh Editor, I bet you’ve got Dorothy Paul quaking in her boots! By the way, it was Wullie Reid fi Peterhied that was deid, not Peter Reid fi Niddrie. On seconds thoughts, I don’t think Dorothy has much to worry about, lol.
A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, a joke?”
A woman goes into the doctors, saying she is unwell. Anyway, the doctor checks her throat, ears and chest and these were all OK. He then says to her, ‘now, let’s have a look at the part that always getting women into trouble’, so she starts to take her undergarments off. The doctor looks in horror and says ‘no, no, stick your tongue out’.
What do you call a man with underpants made out of newspaper? Russell.
I was out on a walk one Sunday morning, and I saw a bald man walking up the road towards me, with rabbits on his head, but from a distance they looked like hares!
I asked my wife, Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ‘ It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’ And that’s when the fight started…
I just posted a comment about vanity on the Joanna Bogle thread so I thought I’d post this joke here. Maybe I should have posted it over there!
The penitent explained to her confessor that she was given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinking herself beautiful.
“Is that all, my daughter?” the priest demanded.
“Then, my daughter,” he said “go in peace, for to be mistaken is not to sin.”
This conversation took place between a war-time bomb-aimer and his pilot, but it could equally well take place at some time in the future between the advisers to pope Francis and himself:
“Left a bit, left, steady, right a bit, steady as you go, steady, back a bit . . . ‘.
It’s the way I tell ’em.
What do you call an elephant without any ears?
Anything you want, it cannae hear you.
Q: Why did the student throw his watch out of the school window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
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