Time For Some Good Clean Fun…

Time For Some Good Clean Fun…

We’ve had some very heated debates recently, and we think it’s time for a break. We’ve never had a “Jokes” thread before, so in the spirit of “there’s a first time for everything” this one is provided for the purpose of enjoying some good clean fun.

We hope you find the above Stanford Nutting video entertaining, and we invite you to post more of the same and/or your favourite jokes. Obviously, the clue is in the title so no unsuitable material please.

Enjoy!

Comments (50)

  • filiiecclesia

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

    The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

    October 21, 2013 at 10:11 pm
  • Vianney

    How do you confuse an Irish navvy?

    Show him two shovels and tell him to take his pick.

    October 21, 2013 at 10:42 pm
  • Vianney

    A young French boy in Glasgow to learn English stands in a bakers shop looking at the cakes and trying to work out the correct names for the different cakes. He can’t remember the name of a particular cake so he says to the lady behind the counter, “excuse me madame, zees cake here, ees eet called a doughnut or a Meringue?”

    The lady replies, “Naw son, yer no wrang, it is called a doughnut.”

    October 21, 2013 at 10:54 pm
  • editor

    A very popular Edinburgh man dies and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says “I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband” The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?”

    The old woman replies “ÂŁ5” to which the man says “You wont get many words for that but write something and we’ll see if it’s ok” so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads “Peter Reid, fae Niddrie, deid”

    He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again. The man then reads “Peter Reid, fae Niddrie deid. Ford Escort for sale”

    October 21, 2013 at 11:04 pm
  • 3littleshepherds

    An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I’d ever live without you.” Her husband asks, “Is that you . . . or the wine talking?”
    She replies, “That’s me . . . talking to the wine.”

    October 21, 2013 at 11:06 pm
  • editor

    Police jokes…

    Police Officer: “How high are you?”
    Pothead: “No officer, it’s “Hi, How are you?”

    What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
    A small medium at large.

    A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He replied: “Call for backup.”

    October 21, 2013 at 11:14 pm
  • Nicky

    H – “Hello?”

    W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

    H – “Yes.” W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

    H – “What’s the price?” W – “Only $1,500.00.”

    H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”

    W – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price…and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

    H-“What price did he quote you?”

    W – “Only $60,000…”

    H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

    W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”

    H – “What?” W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property.”

    H – “How much are they asking?”

    W – “Only $450,000 – a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

    H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”

    W – “OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

    H – “Bye…I love u too…”

    The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

    October 21, 2013 at 11:55 pm
  • Augustine

    What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

    Bing sings but Walt disnae.

    October 22, 2013 at 12:24 am
  • editor

    Hospitality:

    What’s the difference between a Glaswegian and someone from Edinburgh?

    In Glasgow, a person will say to a visitor: “you’ll have your tea, of course.”

    In Edinburgh, the host will say: “you’ll have had your tea of course.”

    October 22, 2013 at 10:33 am
    • Eileenanne

      Q. What’s the only good thing to come out of Edinburgh?

      A. The train for Glasgow!

      (Undoubtedly the old ones are the best!)

      October 22, 2013 at 6:32 pm
  • leprechaun

    A large woman went to the doctor complaining about pain in her ankles. “Yes” he said, “you are overweight, you are too fat and it is straining your ankle tissues”.
    “How rude you are” she said “I want a second opinion”.
    “Certainly, ma’am” he said. “You are ugly too”.

    October 22, 2013 at 3:04 pm
    • editor

      Sounds like my doctor…

      October 22, 2013 at 5:57 pm
  • Eileenanne

    A Celtic supporter in the wrong kind of pub (this joke is adaptable to any city or country) is approached by another customer.
    “We always ask newcomers here to play a wee game,” says the second man. “Would you like to join in?”
    “of course,” says the Celtic fan, “what do I have to do?”
    “You throw this dice, and if you score 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5, my mates and I will take you outside and give you a kicking,” says the local.
    “Oh! And what if I throw a six?” asks the nervous visitor.
    “Ah,” says the man in blue. “Then you get another go!”

    October 22, 2013 at 4:16 pm
  • editor

    A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The judge said to him “So why don’t you want to live with your dad?”

    “Because he beats me” said the little boy.

    “Why don’t you want to live with your mum then?” asked the judge.

    Because she beats me as well.

    “Oh” said the judge “Well who would you like to live with then?”

    The little boy replied” I would like to live with Celtic Football Club, because they don’t beat anyone!!”

    October 22, 2013 at 6:00 pm
    • Eileenanne

      Editor,

      I’m hoping you have to edit that one later tonight! 🙂

      October 22, 2013 at 6:30 pm
      • editor

        Eileenanne,

        So are my brothers!

        October 22, 2013 at 7:47 pm
  • Vianney

    Oh Editor, I bet you’ve got Dorothy Paul quaking in her boots! By the way, it was Wullie Reid fi Peterhied that was deid, not Peter Reid fi Niddrie. On seconds thoughts, I don’t think Dorothy has much to worry about, lol.

    October 22, 2013 at 11:09 pm
  • Lily

    A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, a joke?”

    October 23, 2013 at 9:40 am
  • catholicconvert1

    A woman goes into the doctors, saying she is unwell. Anyway, the doctor checks her throat, ears and chest and these were all OK. He then says to her, ‘now, let’s have a look at the part that always getting women into trouble’, so she starts to take her undergarments off. The doctor looks in horror and says ‘no, no, stick your tongue out’.

    What do you call a man with underpants made out of newspaper? Russell.

    I was out on a walk one Sunday morning, and I saw a bald man walking up the road towards me, with rabbits on his head, but from a distance they looked like hares!

    October 23, 2013 at 3:42 pm
  • Nicky

    I asked my wife, Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ‘ It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’ And that’s when the fight started…

    October 23, 2013 at 5:48 pm
  • Margaret Mary

    I just posted a comment about vanity on the Joanna Bogle thread so I thought I’d post this joke here. Maybe I should have posted it over there!

    The penitent explained to her confessor that she was given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinking herself beautiful.

    “Is that all, my daughter?” the priest demanded.

    “Then, my daughter,” he said “go in peace, for to be mistaken is not to sin.”

    October 23, 2013 at 11:07 pm
  • leprechaun

    This conversation took place between a war-time bomb-aimer and his pilot, but it could equally well take place at some time in the future between the advisers to pope Francis and himself:

    “Left a bit, left, steady, right a bit, steady as you go, steady, back a bit . . . ‘.

    It’s the way I tell ’em.

    October 24, 2013 at 11:08 am
  • Vianney

    What do you call an elephant without any ears?

    Anything you want, it cannae hear you.

    October 24, 2013 at 10:47 pm
  • Lily

    Q: Why did the student throw his watch out of the school window?
    A: He wanted to see time fly.

    October 26, 2013 at 5:02 pm

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