Good Clean Fun – Jokes & Stories…editor
To allow readers/bloggers to make sense of the discussion below, please note that the comical Groucho Marx video clip originally posted here to introduce this thread, has been removed from YouTube.
We’ve had some very serious discussions recently, and I’ve come to the conclusion that – as I would just LOVE to say straight to Pope Francis’ face – “enough is enough!”
It’s a while since we’ve had a fun thread so – without further ado – here’s a short video clip to kick start what I hope will be a good, clean, fun-filled conversation to lighten the atmosphere a little. Some of the cracks in the Groucho Marx video below are local but the overall effect is hilarious. Enjoy.
And don’t forget to share your own favourite video clips, jokes and funny stories – as long as it fits the description “good clean fun” we want to enjoy it too 😀
I loved that introductory video of Groucho Marx, one of my all-time favourite comics. I remember him saying that he could never join any club that would have him as a member. Priceless!
One of the funniest Groucho lines was in the film ‘A day at the races’ when he was proposing to a millionairess race horse owner, played by Margaret Dumont. Grasping her hand, he said “marry me and I’ll never look at another horse”! Hilarious.
Now, here’s a wee story.
A Scottish council waste truck pulls up at the back of a Chinese take away, the guy jumps out and says to the owner “where’s yer bin”? The wee Chinese man responds “I bin to China.” “No,” says the guy, “where’s yer bin”? Again, the wee Chinese man says “I tell you, I bin to China.” Exasperated, the Council guy says “Where’s yer wheely bin”? To which the response comes “I wheely bin to China.”
Ok, a man goes into a butcher’s shop and asks “Do you have frogs legs”? “Yes,” replies the butcher. “Right,” says the man, “hop over the counter and get me a pie paste”.
Fr. O’Malley, standing at the front door of his church, spots the town drunk, Murphy, on the other side of the road, bouncing off the walls as he staggers along. “Drunk again, Murphy”, shouts Father. “Aye, me too, Father,” responds Murphy.
Two Scottish men, Pat and Mick, go to a building site to be interviewed for jobs as labourers. First in to meet the foreman is Pat. He goes through all the usual stuff, experience, qualifications, etc., without any difficulty. Finally, the foreman says to him “Now, I have to test your observational skills. So tell me, is there anything about me that you’ve noticed during our discussion?” “Yes,” says Pat, “I’ve noticed that the ear on the right side of your face is at the level of your forehead and the ear on your left side is down at your chin.” “How dare you!,” says the foreman, “how dare you point out my disability. Get out!”
On the way out, Pat says to Mick “now look, whatever you do don’t mention the man’s ears. He’s very touchy about those ears.” “Right,” says Mick, “I’ll keep that in mind.”
At that, Mick gets the call from the foreman to enter his office. As with the Pat, he flies through the interview and is met with the question at the end about observation. “Is there anything about me that stands out?” “Yes indeed,” says Mick, “I see you’re wearing contact lenses.” “How on earth did you spot that?,” asks the foreman. “Well,” says Mick, “there’s no way an optician is going to hang a pair of glasses from ears like that!”
“Grasping her hand, he said “marry me and I’ll never look at another horse”!
So Groucho Marx said that? That guy who proposed to me in my youth SAID he was only joking. Darn. I wish I hadn’t chucked that diamond back in his face…
Editor of CT receiving a marriage proposal? Now there IS a joke 😀 (I thought I’d beat my many enemies to it!)
Enjoyed the rest of your jokes, Athanasius. As they say, the old ones (all of them) are the best 😉
I thought for a moment you were going to say you had thrown a diamond horse shoe back in his face!
Wish I’d thought of it!
What’s the difference between a cactus and a *Yorkshireman?
You can get a drink out of a cactus.
* or you can substitute Scotsman….
Kidding. I’m KIDDING…….
Well, they say that a Yorkshireman is a Scotsman with the generosity squeezed out.
But, I don’t believe that we Scots are as tight as people say, just because it was in the news that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured. 😀
Yes, and they were just the front seat passengers.
It gets annoying, though, doesn’t it, all the “mean Scot” jokes.
At least they’re only kidding, right enough.
But did you hear that a “True Scot” in North America is one whose ancestors came from Scotland – but who were born in North America to save the fare…
Of course the myth of the mean Scot is just that, a myth. It’s a bit like the Irish Pat/Mick send up. It’s all nonsense, but good fun to play around with. I speak as a true Scot from North America with hot butter knife in hand!!!
I couldn’t agree more. It’s really not right to make fun of the Scots and Irish.
Mind you, I was amazed when I heard about two friends of mine in Dublin, Pat and Mick, who were walking down the street one day when Mick fell into hole in the road and hurt himself. He called out, “Pat, call me an ambulance”.
Pat started jumping up and down clapping his hands yelling, “Mick’s an ambulance, Mick’s an ambulance”.
I have to put it on record here, that some of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met are either Scots or Irish, closely followed by English…! Oh, and I’ve met one highly intelligent Welshman… once… 😀 (why should they get off the hook?)
Editor, cue for a Welsh joke!
Two Americans were on holiday in Wales, driving.
They see a sign for a place called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogochand decide to head there for something to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of the town’s name.
They stop for lunch and one tourist asks the cashier, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?” The Cashier nods.
“Would you please pronounce where we are for us – very, very, very slowly?”
The cashier leans over the counter and says, “Buurrrr gerrrrrrrrr Kinnnnggg.”
Very good, I like that one.
I did hear somewhere that if you ask a Welshman for directions in Wales you’ll be washing phlegm out of your hair for a fortnight!
I also heard that in Wales large groups of sinewy men with coal dust faces wander menacingly through the valleys terrifying the locals with their close harmony singing.
It is said that copper wire was discovered by two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
I can get away with that because I’m a Scotsman!
Well, my school-friend’s mother was so mean she used to heat the knives so the family would use less butter 😀
I’m sure her mother was born in Edinburgh… (that should bring Vianney out of the woodwork 😀 )
Well if that doesn’t bring him out of the woodwork, this might. You know that when you visit a friend in Glasgow they’ll ask “would you like some tea?” Whereas in Edinburgh they’ll say “You’ll have had your tea?”
That’s my all time favourite Edinburgh story – and I believe it drives Vianney crazy!
Editor, it only drives me crazy because I’ve heard it a million times. But anyone who has been to Edinburgh knows it’s not true.
Athanasius, it may be true that in Glasgow they ask “would you like some tea?” but after they’ve given it to you they present you with a bill.
In my experience, they present you with the used tea bag. Waste not, want not!
You are looking for jokes?
Franciscus confabs with Old Catholics!
Franciscus holds payer brunch with some weirdo American preacher.
A Welshman saw a newspaper headline which said: 2000 JOBS IN JEOPARDY!! He promptly went to the nearest train station and asked for a one way ticket to Jeopardy.
Good one! It made me remember other jobs jokes, e.g.
I just lost my job as a Psychic. I did not see that coming.
Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School Class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Little Johnny’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
“The Flight to Egypt,” said Johnny.
“I see. . . And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,”she said. “But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius — the pilot!”
That’s really funny – I’ve never heard that one before.
It reminds me of the story of a little boy called Johnny after the Baptism of his baby brother in church. He sobbed all the way home in the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, “Father said he wanted us brought up in a good Christian home, but I want to stay with you and mum!”
A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down
in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in
the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog
and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the
Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the
Dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.
‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is.
I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put
him to work.’
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out,
the Policeman said, ‘Watch this.’
He told Sniffer to ‘search’.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle,
and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman
for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one
paw on the policeman’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned
to the man and said, ‘That woman is in possession
of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number
and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for
a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time
He placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘Two paws mean that man
is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note
of his seat number for the police.’
‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
little while, sat down for a moment, and then came
racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle
seat and proceeded to mess all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour
and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained
dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman,
‘What’s going on?’
The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’
My brother is an estate agent who sells and buys rather a lot of houses. One day his 3 year old son had a temper tantrum shouting: ” he can’t do that he can’t.” After calming him down his mother tried to get to the bottom of the problem: “why are you so upset about Daddy’s job?” she asked.
“Houses wouldn’t fit in daddy’s car” came the tearful reply.
One day God the Father decided heaven could do with a makeover. A big meeting was called, with Our Lord, the Holy Spirit, Our Lady, St Joseph and the Archangels all in attendance. Even old nick was invited….
An enhancement design was agreed and the architects, ‘bean counters’ (quantity surveyors) and building contractors were duly appointed. The works commenced, but alas it soon became obvious things were not going according to plan. The agreed programme slipped, the works were not being carried out according to specification and the job was going way over-budget with, as usual, everybody blaming everybody else.
So, another meeting was called, but descended into chaos with much argy-bargy and finger- pointing between the architects, bean counters and the main and sub-contractors. ‘Right, that’s it’, said God the Father….’I’m going to call in the solicitors’..
‘Huh,’ said old nick….’and how are you going to find a solicitor up there?’….
A coal miner’s union rep dies and goes down to hell. After about a week, Old Nick comes banging on the pearly gates and pleads with St. Peter “Please Peter, take this guy off my hands. He’s only been with me a week and has already shut two of my furnaces”!
Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome …
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. After a few minutes, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country”. **
“This city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.” “In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said:
“Bernie, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”
** Obviously, this is an OLD joke…..
An American walks into a crowded Dublin pub, walks up to the bar and decides to issue a challenge after getting everyone’s attention.
“Pardon me, but I’ve heard a lot about you Irishmen being able to hold your liquor. Well I’ve got 1,000 bucks here for any man who can sink 15 pints of Guinness in half an hour. What about it?”
To our visitor’s surprise and disappointment, instead of the expected show of hands there was no reaction. Just silence, before everyone returned to their conversation. Nobody moved except one skinny little fella who got up and walked out the door.
Half an hour later the same lad returned, walked up to the bar and tapped our American friend on the shoulder.
“Hey mister, has anybody taken you up on your offer? Does it still stand?”
“Why it sure does stand”, came the puzzled American’s reply. “Go ahead, let’s see what you can do, little feller”.
With that, the local lashes back the 15 pints of Guinness, with minutes to spare.
After the American gets over the shock, he offers his congratulations and hands over the money. Even more puzzled than before, he has to ask a question.
“Well boy, I do declare I’m mighty impressed. But tell me, why didn’t you do this when I first came in? Why did you walk outta here?”
“Oh, dat’s easy”, came the reply. “I just wanted to go to the pub down the road to make sure I could still do it in thirty minutes”.
Priceless! Love it!
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just the one. But it’ll take at least three bulbs.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn’t matter. The light bulb really has to want to change itself.
A man goes to the doctor.
Doctor, doctor I keep singing the Green Green Grass of Home. I just can’t stop myself. What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: Oh, you’ve got Tom Jones Syndrome.
Patient: Tom Jones Syndrome? Go way. I’ve never heard of that. Tell me, do many people suffer from it?
Doctor: Well, it’s not unusual.
Sorry about that one, folks, but I always laugh at it.
Me, too. It’s a very true saying, “the old ones are the best”!
William Shakespeare walks into a pub.
The barman turns to him and says:
“Hey Shakespeare! I’ve told you before. You’re bard.”
There was a girl who entered a very strict order where you were only allowed to speak one word every five years. After her first five years she was called into see the Mother Superior who asked if everything was all right.
“Cold” said the sister, so she was given a thicker habit.
After another five years she was again called to see the Mother Superior.
“Hungry” she said, and was given larger meals.
Five years later when she called in again she said, “leaving”
“Well thanks be to God,” said the Mother Superior, “you’ve done nothing but complain since you arrived here.”
I heard that when it was set in a Cistercian Monastery. Women would never even think of creating an entirely silent Order – the Foundress of the Carmelites, St Teresa of Avila, insisted on not one, but two recreations sessions a day!
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta .
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.
He then travelled all across America, Africa, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same ‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.
The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone.
He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’40 pence per call.’
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
‘Father, I’ve travelled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered,
‘You’re in Scotland now, son – it’s a local call’.
Love it. Would have been even better, set in Glasgow 😀
No, local calls there will be to the other place!
I thought Wester Hades was in Edinburgh?
It is, definitely!
Away and get ready for Mass, and remember to pray for forgiveness.
Pakistani man on his death bed cries out….’Sumita, my wife – are you here?’…
‘Yes, my husband’….
‘Son and daughter – are you here?’…..
‘Yes papa, we are both here’….
‘Then who is minding de ruddy shop?’
I bet he lived in Edinburgh… !
Editor, mind and get to the chapel early this morning as you’ll be in the confessional for some time.
Here’s a departure from good clean fun – ‘secks’ is what Edinburgh people have their coal delivered in!
Well, that could just as easily be the west end of Glasgow, the Kelvinside accent is notorious, marbles in the mooth and all! They forget the saying “if your nose is up in the air you cannot see where you’re going!”
Pat & Fidelis,
I so agree – the posh Scot, as opposed to the plain speakers among us, are laughable. But not as funny, if you get my drift, as the less posh among us… Like this wee wummin…
A small Glasgow boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.
Wonderful. Whit part is it?’ she asks
The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Scottish husband.
The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back an’ tell that teacher you want a speaking part!
This puts me in mind of the story Gerald Warner told of the late Cardinal Winning. It seems the Cardinal was visiting a hospital ward for sick elderly gentlemen and as he went round the beds the first patient he stopped at said “it’s a pleasure to meet you, Eminence.” “Not at all”, said the Cardinal, “and please call me Tom”. At the next bed, the man said pleased to meet you, Cardinal,” to which the Cardinal responded “please, it’s Tom. Don’t trouble yourself with the Cardinal stuff.” This went on three or four times at different beds until, at length, as the Cardinal was leaving the ward a skeletal hand reached up from the bed near the door and took hold of his arm. Pulling the Cardinal down close to him, the emaciated figure in the bed said “that’s what I like about you Tom, yiv goat nae dignity.”
Fidelis – is it true that anyone who supports Hibs or Hearts secretly wishes they lived in Glesca?
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I
cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing
community service this week.’
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
‘thank you ‘ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill , the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m
doing community service this week.’
The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my dear people, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN – AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
A Dominican and a Jesuit were on retreat.
The Dominican asked the retreat master if he could smoke while he prayed. “Certainly not came the stern reply”.
The Jesuit cogitated for a while and then asked the retreat master if he could pray while he smoked. “Of course, came the reply. One can pray at all times”.
Somewhere in the backwoods of Co. Louth, Michael goes to confession…‘Bless me father, for I have sinned, I’ve been beddin’ a married woman’…
‘God forgive ye’, says Father O’Flynn, the rather crusty old priest….’tis a mortal sin – and I’ll need to be knowin’ the name o’ that misbegotten creature ye’ve been carryin’ on wit. Now was it Sheila O’Toole?’…
‘Oh, please father’, replies Michael,…’I couldn’t be tellin’ ye that now, it would be most dishonourable of me’….
‘It’ll be much better for ye if ye do’, says the priest…’now was it Mary Murphy?’….
‘Please, please, father’ replies Michael….’don’t be makin me do dis, it would be such a betrayal’….
‘Well, have it yer own way’, says the priest…’ye can say a Novena of Rosaries for yer penance’…
Some time later in town, Michael bumps into his very close friend Seamus. ‘Well, how did it go wit Father O’Flynn?’… asks Seamus.
‘Oh, fine’, replies Michael…’I got a Novena – and a couple o’ good leads’…..
On a more serious note, maybe this is something ‘Aunt Evangeline’ could help us with…
Supposing Michael’s ‘misbegotten creature’ was a non-Catholic, who was in her ‘second marriage’ (a registry office job, which many would argue is no marriage at all). Would that make the sin any ‘less sinful’?
I’ll have to pass that dilemma on to Aunt Evangeline, personally. I have a feeling she’d enjoy answering!
A Franciscan and Jesuit were walking in the park when Jimmy approached them and asked if they could make a novena so he could get a Mercedes Benz. The Franciscan asked, “What is a Mercedes Benz?”, and the Jesuit asked, “What is a novena?”
Why do I get the feeling that is more true to life than most jokes? 😀
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music. In the time of the prophet, he went on, there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing?”
The cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so bog off and wait for a camel..”
I have now closed the October threads – this one last of all to allow visitors time to visit Last Chance Saloon… cue for a pub joke…
A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, “Do you have any helicopter flavoured potato chips?” The bartender shakes his head and says, “No, we only have plain.”
Back to the serious stuff folks!
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